Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 820
I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.
The more developed your abs, the less time you’ve spent reading.
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile.
The magazine at the health food store said, "Stop Aging!" Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"