Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 820

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.

Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small… really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, “What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?”

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.