Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 818
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man tends to get away with date rape more often. Also shoplifting and cheating at monopoly.
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That's the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.
There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.
I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.
Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner!
People come up to us and ask how we knew so much about their own family... I'm talking about people from faraway places, too. I get people from Turkey and Chile coming up to me and saying I wrote about their family.