Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 840
There have been two different drafts of the script. The hard part about following it up is at the end of the first one, he revealed his identity to his kids. How do you play that out? How does she come back? One of the ideas was that he'd go to New York because his daughter was going to college and he'd be nearby. But as a script, it never worked.
I was the equivalent of a 98 pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would throw copies of Byron in my face!
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.
Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.
If you close your eyes, you could just as well imagine me to be vintage Ali MacGraw, circa 1968.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
I figured, let me just cut myself off from everybody, take a minute and pull a Flintstone, stop a speeding car by using my bare feet as brakes.
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.