Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 840
I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
It means a lot in that I always felt invisible, and I was louder in my own head than I was verbally. I was torturing myself, wanting to say things and not knowing how to be. The stand-up was a way out but it never came easy. So to have something that's named after me make it, and that has history tied to Desi and Freddie and now Freddie Jr., it's unbelievable to me because I never really thought anything good would happen to me.
Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
Can I talk to you guys now about some of the differences between men and women? Great. Chicks cry when you punch ‘em.
The putts break toward the diamond lane on the freeway here. I had a putt break toward a call box, so I know it depends on what lane. I missed a two-footer because a guy was changing his tire in my line.
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.
Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It’s like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.
Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.