Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 839
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.