Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 839
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.
Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.
Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.
I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.
It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"
It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.
People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”