Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 839
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost?" And he says, "What ghost?"
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
There have been two different drafts of the script. The hard part about following it up is at the end of the first one, he revealed his identity to his kids. How do you play that out? How does she come back? One of the ideas was that he'd go to New York because his daughter was going to college and he'd be nearby. But as a script, it never worked.
I was the equivalent of a 98 pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would throw copies of Byron in my face!
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.