Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 841
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.
The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.
One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children - unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
It has been way too cold this winter, I mean th-th-th-the temperatures have been ungodly, where the fuck is global warming when you need it!
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
I just celebrated seventeen years without a drug or a drink in my body. Seventeen years sober. I don’t need to get high. I got gambling to fall back on.
Right now we're teaching them that the game is fun. If they learn it's fun, they always go back to it again in clinics and in schools.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.