Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 841

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

The greatest impact on my life has been nothing.

I don’t know if this is a nerdy quality or just something left over from my uncle’s alcoholism, but I get obsessed with things very easily, things that don’t matter. I think that is a very nerdy quality to be like, “Oh this thing! I love it and I’m going to learn everything about it real soon.”

When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.

Stand-up is hard.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't write a space movie if you put a gun to my head.

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see "The Great Gatsby".

Men respect standards - get some!

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.

Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."