Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 841
That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.
You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?
Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.
After sex now is so disgusting. As soon as we’re done, my girl dismounts me like she’s getting off a dirty bicycle. And then she just leaves… she won’t even look at me. It’s like she just had sex with a trucker for gas money.
Now here's what I'm saying: I've always believed that every other month we hear about compromisation of bank records, I think that's the CIA and the FBI. Now let me tell you why I'm saying this. I don't believe no insignificant pip-squeak is going to be able to pull this off month after month and we can't find out what's going on.
If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.
The putts break toward the diamond lane on the freeway here. I had a putt break toward a call box, so I know it depends on what lane. I missed a two-footer because a guy was changing his tire in my line.