Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 841
I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It’s like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.
I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.
Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.