Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 844

What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.

Men respect standards - get some!

No one grows up saying 'I hope I work in an office one day?' And that fascinated me. People from 16 to 65 are just thrown together and that is a tantalizing mix,

Have you ever had a cookie? Then you won't get any here either.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.

The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.