Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 844

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Every human being has an impact on another.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.

You young guys are going, “I’m never going to get married.” That’s what I thought. But how many times can you go home, watch SportsCenter, order a pizza, and jerkoff before that gets boring. I’ll tell you how many times: 11,556.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.