Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 844

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that weird ass hole you have in your neck. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the fark out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... Thank you for getting that joke!

I love to talk about people I've met being an entertainer. All my encounters in life - I roll it all into an hour and 30 minutes.

I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling.

Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.