Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 844

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can't afford it.

The Devil: And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the Jews were right.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

I was not an attractive child.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.