Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 843

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

Apparently, I don’t know if this is true but I hope it is, I’ve heard it from a few reports, when we went up to get our awards apparently Clint Eastwood turned to someone that he was with and went, Who the fuck are they?

Have you ever done a black guy? Do it. It’s worth the screwed-up credit. I’m telling you. You may never buy a new car again but every night you get a SUV right in the hoo ha.

So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee! Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was “Don’t fart!” Yeah, you’ve thought about it, haven’t you! ‘Cause when you’re standing up and you’ve got gas, you can clench it in. When someone’s rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you’re bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.

The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Every human being has an impact on another.

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.