Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 843
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an "ignorant, pushy people" person.
That's one of the reasons why we think the U.S. dollar probably should strengthen going into the Fed meeting toward the end of the month.
If you don't have the right people around you and you're moving at a million miles an hour you can lose yourself.
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.