Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 843

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That's the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see "The Great Gatsby".

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

When you're first starting out, you want to keep making good movies. When you're young and you're black, you do a bad movie and you're through.

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.'

A comedy agent asked, “What did you do before comedy?” I was a drug counselor. He said, “How about before that?” I was a drug addict. He said, “And before that?” I was twelve.