Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 843

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.

I was so hot, I sweated like Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah!

My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Everyone makes mistakes. That's why pencils have abortions.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.

I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some shit? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

Writing is a very strenuous thing - it's like banging your head against a wall. At the end of the day, acting is better, just because nobody ever asked me if I wanted a Pellegrino in the writer's room.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.

We want the same effect as if someone's house burned here. We want to give them a normal life as soon as possible.