Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 845

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.

The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I'm the luckiest unlucky person.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

We're going to look at it again in June, we just want to make sure we when we do increase purses we can sustain it, we wouldn't want to have to go back once we increase it.

A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.

My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.