Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 845
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.
The putts break toward the diamond lane on the freeway here. I had a putt break toward a call box, so I know it depends on what lane. I missed a two-footer because a guy was changing his tire in my line.
She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."
Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.
Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.
I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.'
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.