Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 845
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling.
They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
My sister is a personal trainer. That’s a touch job. I don’t think I can do that. You have to help people with their fitness goals. “Can you help me define my abs?” “Yeah disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.”
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before." Never got a dinner!
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.