Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 850
Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure.
If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.
I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.
The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.
I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.'
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Everybody gives money and blankets and candy to septuplet families. You go on Oprah Winfrey. Oprah pays for all the kids to go to college. Oprah gives you a mini van. And that’s hypocritical. ‘Cause there’s plenty of women in this country with six kids. Granted they had them by five different men… Six kids, five different men, you ain’t on Oprah. You’re on Maury Povich for a paternity test.