Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 850

They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it and goes, “Hey Todd, good choice.” Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.