Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 850

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I used to think it was corny to be in love but actually it's corny to lose an awesome woman! Real talk.

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again!

The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.

Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."

People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now.

I voted for Kerry, and I'm still getting e-mails from him, too. It's kind of pathetic, like, 'There's still work to be done.' Yeah, there is: delete.