Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 850

It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

Cut me off, I’ll curtsy on your ass.

Does anybody believe your health is more important than money? I don’t see too many beautiful women going, “Gee, should I blow Bob in the Porsche or Dave with low cholestol?”

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!