Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 851
If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke... and then she died.
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"
When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Writing is a very strenuous thing - it's like banging your head against a wall. At the end of the day, acting is better, just because nobody ever asked me if I wanted a Pellegrino in the writer's room.
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end.
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
What's with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people. That's it, just crazy people.
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.
I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.
It upset me that, five days after the hurricane hit down in New Orleans, the President's plan was for a day of prayer. I would have thought a truck of food. A day of prayer. Now, maybe I'm mistaken here and, again, I'm not a scientific expert, but isn't a hurricane officially an act of God? Isn't a day of prayer kind of redundant? Hasn't God already made up his mind on that sort of thing? So we do a day of prayer. The President has his stupid day of prayer. Three days later, Hurricane Rita hits. Somebody must have said something... something like, "is that all you got?"