Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 851

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.

I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it’s enough just to keep yourself alive.

I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

I was not an attractive child.

Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like,  “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.