Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 851

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!

I actually wrote a speech. Normally I do bullet points and run-on sentences.

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an "ignorant, pushy people" person.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.