Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 865

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.

You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.

And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.

The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, "Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny."

We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.

I was dating a woman for a while. We had out first little sex talk. She actually said this to me. She said, “Todd, I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with.” I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including “Who shot J.R.?”, “Where’s the beef?” and “Why would you think I’d want to know that?” OK, maybe not “Where’s the beef?” Because she might answer that one.

French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.