Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 865
I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.'
The cell phone companies make you sign up for a plan, but it’s not like if you don’t follow the plan they’re cool with it. It’s like, “You can have 600 anytime minutes for 50 dollars, but if you go over that, we shoot you in the dick!”
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.
You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?
I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.
Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"