Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 865

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!

Hey ringworm.

I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought: It’s not impossible if he’s already done it twice.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself 'the last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech.

You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I was not an attractive child.

Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.

2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?