Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 865

Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my head. I gotta go make a movie for Peter Falk and me.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

People talk to old people like they're children. 'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah, I'm old. I'm not stupid.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

Sorry about your continent, but it’s time to make money.

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.