Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 864
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.
I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?
I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said, "This isn't a hump. I ate a canteloupe and it backed up on me." Never got a dinner!
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"
It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.