Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 864
For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
My fondest childhood memory is when I was twelve years old. I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything. “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.”<br /> “Why? I’m not paying you? My parents are!”
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
You might be a redneck if people are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.
I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.'
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."