Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 866
We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.
You might be a redneck if the taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.
I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.
Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.
We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?
I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.
And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.