Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 866

I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought: It’s not impossible if he’s already done it twice.

I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.

You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.

I was not an attractive child.

2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.

I don't think that the administration is being particularly honest with the American people about what this is going to cost in life and in dollars, what the dangers are, retaliatory strikes, once it happens. This is not a war that needs to happen immediately, if ever.

I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"

Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, "Why do you need an airbag?" Never got a dinner!

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

It's great when a director like Cameron Crowe can take what you do and fit it into what he's doing. If someone's a fan of you already, they can take what you do and make it work for what they're doing. You don't know their vision, and you're thinking, 'How is this guy going to take what I do and make it work in this movie?'