Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 876
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.
It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.
Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both fuck off?”
Heroin’s like having oral sex and, at the same time, a puppy’s licking your face. You don’t want that.
We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?
The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
I was always the "Class Clown" and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.