Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 876
What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?
Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.
Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.
A comedy agent asked, “What did you do before comedy?” I was a drug counselor. He said, “How about before that?” I was a drug addict. He said, “And before that?” I was twelve.
I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives."
I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.