Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 876
My sister is a personal trainer. That’s a touch job. I don’t think I can do that. You have to help people with their fitness goals. “Can you help me define my abs?” “Yeah disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.”
You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!”
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
The competitions are as much a part of the tradition as the actual dances.
I've become this sort of icon for the gay community. I don't like the position.
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.
Steven Spielberg’s mother, who said to E.T., "I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed!" Never got a dinner!
Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo - though those people may also have real problems.
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.