Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 875

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

There’s a relationship between men and their machines that goes way beyond what we can put into words. (Ironically, there’s a relationship between women and words that goes way beyond what men could ever comprehend.)

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

We've heard they've had signs up about Cuero for the last three weeks, ... We're excited about playing this game but not to the point where we do not know what we're doing. We just have to go into the game with intensity and remain focused on our goal.

I know that every time I list something that I am, I am potentially alienating a whole group of people. Publicists and managers will encourage you not to say what political party you belong to, what you eat, what you don't eat, who you sleep with and all that stuff.

This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.

I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey ­I know you! You're That Guy."

I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."

I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.