Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 875
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
To combat social awkwardness, I would just act like I couldn't be bothered - that kind of aloof persona or aloof demeanor. It's so off-putting.
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
[After having made an abortion joke] I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... (mimicking child's voice:) 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...
Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.
Anyone you give a ton of money to is going to go slightly crazy. I don't think comedians are particularly special in that regard; they just are better or more vocal in their expressions of their craziness.
My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"
[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?
There's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables now. William's dad of course had an affair with Camilla and his mum slept with Englishmen, Americans, and an Egyptian before finally being fucked by that Frenchman. Charles broke Diana's heart... Ten years before a steering column mashed what was left of it. Let's not forget that night. We all know where we were when Diana died. I for one was weaving around Paris in a white Fiat. You know we haven't had a royal assassination in ten years. Let's get rid of her, let's replace her with Martine McCutcheon, and so at last I can wank to the twenty pound note again. If the British Royal Family keep marrying outside the aristocracy, it won't be long before they'll hardly have any German blood left in them.
It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.