Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 875
Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!
I started doing '30 Rock' and started writing 'Mystery Team' at the beginning of that. While I was doing 'Mystery Team,' I started practicing stand-up. While I was doing stand up, I got 'Community.' It's like I planted trees six years ago, and now they have fruit.
You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"
I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.
If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.
I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.
Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called "An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory".
We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.
Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.
I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.