Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 877

This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.

I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.

Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I’d love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

I don't think that the administration is being particularly honest with the American people about what this is going to cost in life and in dollars, what the dangers are, retaliatory strikes, once it happens. This is not a war that needs to happen immediately, if ever.

My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

I’m addicted to the Internet. I check into the hotel. Try to go online on my laptop. Doesn’t work. Call the front desk.

You can lead a fanatic to water but you can't make him think.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?