Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 877

You might be a redneck if the taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

You’re always allowed to be better.

Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both fuck off?”

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.

When in doubt you might be right.

This happened to the people. The Constitution says "of the people, by the people, for the people"... but the people who got the office, got into office and forgot about the people.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.