Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 877

I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey ­I know you! You're That Guy."

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for.

I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.

Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.