Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 877

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."