Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 878
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."
When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.
There are so many beautiful parts of the world... Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here... 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.
I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.
There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?
Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.
My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"
[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?
Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!