Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 878
Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.
Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.
I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.