Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 878

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both fuck off?”

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

When in doubt you might be right.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.