Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 894

The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them.

But I’ve often said that if I had - I have two dogs - if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.

I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.

One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.

I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." No! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"

I don't know if you know about pilots. The way in which our country generates television, they take one episode, one, and then they take that episode, produce it, and show it to a room filled with monkeys. And if the monkeys don't shit themselves, you might have a hit!

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

I’d love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them.

I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.

I am an evil Giraffe.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!'

I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!