Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 894
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.
We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".
But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study.
Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that weird ass hole you have in your neck. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the fark out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... Thank you for getting that joke!
I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.
I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me.
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?