Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 894
You know, the fact that every morning you get a script in your mailbox, that's going to stop. All these little pedestrian, mundane things. And the cash.
I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.
I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.
If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.
And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.
I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.
It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.
I talked about everything, man. I’ve always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a lot of physical comedy. That was my thing. I was a physical comedian. I did anything and everything from running on a treadmill, I can paint a picture on stage of anything.
Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business! Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.