Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 894

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

It's funny because it's funny.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.

They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.