Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 893

When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.

I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

[Imitating a whining vegetarian] "Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun... Film at 11.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.'

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.