Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 893
I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now.
Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.
I voted for Kerry, and I'm still getting e-mails from him, too. It's kind of pathetic, like, 'There's still work to be done.' Yeah, there is: delete.
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because "They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug." These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?
When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?
Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?
We need porno for guys like me. $2.99, I don’t need the whole $12.99. Hell, I never get to the second scene. It’s always better. “Oh shit! I should of waited. She’s got bigger titties. Shit! There’s twins!”
It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?