Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 893

Our record doesn't show it, but we are getting better.

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.