Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 893
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.
I dated one guy from every race. Y’know, except the Asian guys because nobody wants that. C’mon, I’m trying to have an orgasm not have my computer fixed.
My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.
I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.