Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 895
Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business! Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.
Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."
I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of TV shows. People don't want to hear from me.
There's new territory, there's new places to go, new things to explore. Why stay back there? Maybe it will take three films to find another character that is really totally original, but I've got a lifetime, so why waste it just repeating myself.
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.
You might be a redneck if you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.
A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.
In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.
Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?