Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 895
Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike...dances with wildlife...
I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.
TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.
The worst thing to call somebody is "crazy". It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, so they're crazy. That's bullshit! People are not crazy. They are strong people...Maybe the environment is a little sick.
I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.
You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.