Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 895
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just found out the hard way that the airbags in my car are quite effective.
We had the real rednecks where I grew up. The kind of guys that can use the N-word and “Jesus” in the same sentence and mean ‘em both.
Black people love the Price Is Right. A negro might not know how to read, but he knows how much Rice-a-Roni costs.
He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, "There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes."
I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.
I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.