Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 896
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.
Gary Hart, who said, "She didn't sit on my yacht; she sat on my dinghy!" Never got a dinner!
If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.
I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech doesn't apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss' office and say 'you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not.
I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.
I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.
My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
I call 'Community' the best day job in the world, because between takes, I get to write music. I get to write sketches. I get to write movies. It's the best job ever.
My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.