Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 896
I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.
I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.
The only reason I'm able to do music is because I'm making money on 'Community.' If I wasn't, I couldn't pay for things.
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
There's something that happens in that delivery room, when a woman becomes ten times more a woman, and a guy becomes six times less a man. You feel really dopey and useless and like a spectator. I did, anyway.
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't write a space movie if you put a gun to my head.
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.