Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 902
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"
The average late-night viewer is in their mid-50s and the average viewer of TBS is in their 30s and is largely African-American and Hispanic, already, before I even get there.
King Soloman, who said to his thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?" Never got a dinner!
The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, "I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop!" Never got a dinner!
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.
I started doing '30 Rock' and started writing 'Mystery Team' at the beginning of that. While I was doing 'Mystery Team,' I started practicing stand-up. While I was doing stand up, I got 'Community.' It's like I planted trees six years ago, and now they have fruit.
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.'