Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 902
Just found out the hard way that the airbags in my car are quite effective.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." No! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"
When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”
When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it’s dark and you can’t see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears?