Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 902
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"
One day, there will be a Latino president. It could be the mayor of San Antonio. And when he’s all crudo, he can send his brother out there.
In the lobby before the show some guy’s like, “Jeff, your eyes look red. Are you stoned?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s my allergies.” He goes, “What are you allergic to?” “Pot”
The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, "I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop!" Never got a dinner!
"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"
What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!
In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.
Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that your company harnesses the energy produced by rape and uses it to make a chemical that kills forests for fun. Either way, you're going to need it.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.