Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 901
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
[welcoming people to Hell]<br /> The French, are you here? If you'd just like to come down here with the Germans, I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.
Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: “No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.”
I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.
My sister is a personal trainer. That’s a touch job. I don’t think I can do that. You have to help people with their fitness goals. “Can you help me define my abs?” “Yeah disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.”
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”