Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 903

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

If your gonna drop out of school - tough grades are not your goal - then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

The summit, which is set up to educate people about managing their money and protecting their income, leads to empowerment of self, for which this summit needs to be applauded.

I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

I think my wife puts up with me ‘cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’

This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

Hey, here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.