Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 903

In Australia you can buy a cheese called ‘coon cheese’, did you hear what I said, ‘coon cheese’!!

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

You know, the fact that every morning you get a script in your mailbox, that's going to stop. All these little pedestrian, mundane things. And the cash.

You might be a redneck if your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

I love show business. I wake up every morning and kiss it.

If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.

I'm always fucking childish, you knew that when you met me!

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

It's up to couples, to individuals, to have a trust between each other.

I just tied a string around my penis so I don't forget it.

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

The summit, which is set up to educate people about managing their money and protecting their income, leads to empowerment of self, for which this summit needs to be applauded.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.