Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 903

Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America!

I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.

A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's gonna fuck you up at midnight.' 'Honey, what is this? Did you anger a small Irish man?'

You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.