Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 905

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it’s dark and you can’t see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears?

I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

Yeah, big deal! *points to scar on his stomach* See that? Straighteners, Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get. Fell asleep on them when I was pissed.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Our record doesn't show it, but we are getting better.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.