Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 905
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.
My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.
One day, there will be a Latino president. It could be the mayor of San Antonio. And when he’s all crudo, he can send his brother out there.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
But the two of them together, broke my heart. Olympia and Peter, those scenes... When they're kissing in their 20s and then kissing in their 70s, that's what it is. And they had never met five minutes before they shot those scenes.
"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'
It felt like such a right idea that it didn't bother me to put it away, because I knew it would be ready when it's ready. When I had kids, I realized I understood my parents better. I had more compassion for them and I look at my kids and realize, 'Oh, man. This is just the same cycle all over again.'
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.