Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 905
You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
I don’t understand why anybody would ever beat their children when damaging them psychologically is so much more permanent.
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
An Orthodox Jewish vampire, who was so Kosher that he wouldn't suck a neck unless it was salted first. Never got a dinner!
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
King Soloman, who said to his thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?" Never got a dinner!
Even John's dick has a great hairline. On "Full House," John's dick had a mullet.
The only reason I did "Showtime" was Robert De Niro. I definitely consider him to be in the top 5 all time actors.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
I started doing '30 Rock' and started writing 'Mystery Team' at the beginning of that. While I was doing 'Mystery Team,' I started practicing stand-up. While I was doing stand up, I got 'Community.' It's like I planted trees six years ago, and now they have fruit.