Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 904
And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.
I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on...
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.
The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them.
You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.
One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.
Hello niggas, Hello bitches! Ladies I hope you don't mind me calling you bitches cuz I don't know you all by name.
I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.
I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.