Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 904

You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.

Just found out the hard way that the airbags in my car are quite effective.

My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death.

Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: “No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.”

My mother was taught by a nasty ventriloquist who lived nearby my childhood home to throw guilt without moving her conscience.

Baloney is just salami with an inferiority complex.

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I would visualize things coming to me. It would just make me feel better. Visualization works if you work hard. That's the thing. You can't just visualize and go eat a sandwich.

I don’t understand why anybody would ever beat their children when damaging them psychologically is so much more permanent.

The brightest light has gone out.

During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.