Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 906

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Nudity has taken over all of show business. I went into a nightclub last week and a beautiful young girl came out onto the stage with nothing on and sang "On a clear day you can see forever."

I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.

Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.

Even after 9/11, during the darkest moment of our recent history, the President told us, “Go shopping.” That's how we were told to uphold American values; go out and fucking buy more shit. So what were we supposed to do?

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.