Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 906
Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
She said, "Spell 'ant' ", and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said, "That doesn't spell 'ant' ", and I said, "It's in there somewhere! There's the A, there's the N, there's the T – the rest are silent!"
If you pray about it don't worry about it. If you're going to worry about it don't pray about it.
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.
This year, all students WILL be wearing clothes under their graduation outfits or we will press charges!
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.