Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 906
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says "You using the phone?" "Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume." Here's your sign!
If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up.
We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't.
I love the guys who say "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You liar!
After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
I think real life reflects your movies. In your life, you pick stuff that influences what movie roles you wanna pick. I think if you've got an interesting life, you wanna do interesting movies about interesting things.
Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.