Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 927

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

If I could rent someone else's subconscious occasionally maybe I could get a decent night's sleep.

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I'll kill myself.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

The name's Hank, !@#$% face, learn it!

“(reading email) ‘Great party Arj. Best party ever.’ What a jerk!”

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

It's not even about black and white anymore, because so many people are from mixed backgrounds and mixed ethnicities, and it's just a great time to be able to pull all that together.

The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.