Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 926

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and seven of those married. We got married on 07/07/07. We support each other 150 percent. We have fun. We are a modern-day Sonny & Cher. I don’t sing. My wife sings. We’re so different, but so alike. We got that ying and yang thing going on. You see it, but you don’t know how it works.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Valuable people are undervalued.

Going there is paying your dues. You always have to pay your dues... You've just got to do it. Maybe I come from a working family. Maybe it's the voice of my mom saying, 'You've always got to be nice to people.' I look at it as saying it's going to be fun. Those people are going to be really, really happy.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!