Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 926
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.
On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.
When I first found out that I was going to win this award, I tried really hard - to care. And then I realized; we are all here tonight, because of a common love: me.
There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce.
You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.
It felt like such a right idea that it didn't bother me to put it away, because I knew it would be ready when it's ready. When I had kids, I realized I understood my parents better. I had more compassion for them and I look at my kids and realize, 'Oh, man. This is just the same cycle all over again.'
Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumsision.
In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
If he's unsure, then he's unsure, and that's an answer - unsure is 'no.' The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this. The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you.' The second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news. 'I'm not in love with you' is 'I'm not in love with you.'
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
I love the guys who say "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You liar!