Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 926
A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening ear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, "Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood".
Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
I feel like a divorced woman in her 40s, all I need is some cat hair and it’ll be complete.
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.