Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 928
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it's pretty equal. I don't know why that is. It's been the same thing for a while. It's hard for female comedians to stand out. That's weird. That's a shame.
I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.
When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.
You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
My mother was taught by a nasty ventriloquist who lived nearby my childhood home to throw guilt without moving her conscience.
Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
‘I’m a gangsta, and gangstas don’t ask questions.’…yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster…’Hey, muthafucka, where’s my money??’ that’s a question…”Do you want to die tonight??’ that’s a question too…’what?what?’ That’s two questions.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.
There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, "Yes!" And people in San Francisco are like, "Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you."