Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 928
It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
I'm just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It's something we have in our power to do.
If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
The N-Word. And everyone says, “Don’t say it again. We should put a moratorium on it, because it’s a bad word.”... You see, it’s not bad to me because I don’t know any and I’ve never been one.
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
The average late-night viewer is in their mid-50s and the average viewer of TBS is in their 30s and is largely African-American and Hispanic, already, before I even get there.
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.
We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys