Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 928

Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.

I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea".

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

You might be a redneck if you empty the bed of your pickup truck by driving backwards really fast and then slamming on the brakes.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

It’s important to spend time with them... I want my grandchildren to be brought up the same way I raised my children.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

This shed does not contain me.

The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.

It felt like such a right idea that it didn't bother me to put it away, because I knew it would be ready when it's ready. When I had kids, I realized I understood my parents better. I had more compassion for them and I look at my kids and realize, 'Oh, man. This is just the same cycle all over again.'

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.