Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 940
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.
She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."
Aw, hell. My wife and I made a porno, good God, somehow it's wound up on the internet... Cuz I put it there! You're welcome!
We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.
People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.
I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I've started a record label, so I get to nurture new talent and talk about music, which is a passion of mine. I've written another book. And I get to come to work and do the TV show, which is always really fun.
Supreme Court says pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts… Hmm… sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me. You know when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial… I ain’t thinking about gum.
I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it's pretty equal. I don't know why that is. It's been the same thing for a while. It's hard for female comedians to stand out. That's weird. That's a shame.