Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 940
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.
The Australian comedy circuit is kind of small, and big in the most inconvenient ways. There aren't many venues, and the ones we have are hundreds of miles apart and separated by mountains. That's probably why so many of us come to the UK
Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.
I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He's the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor's wife right now.
If we did a reunion show we should do it now and show it in 10 years just so everybody still looks good.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."
At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.
The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.
They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!