Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 940
I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.
Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
If we don’t want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we’re stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions.
I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.