Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 941

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

I’ll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

I started having intimacy problems during my breast-feeding.

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.