Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 941

Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

And really almost like every TV star who loses his job. Now what am I going to do, everybody asks. What am I going to do now? Like every TV star before I’m going to find some crack. I’m going to get on the pipe. Lose that unwanted 110 pounds I’ve been trying to lose.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

It's easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, "You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone?" Never got a dinner!

"I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene."

Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.

Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.

It’s important to spend time with them... I want my grandchildren to be brought up the same way I raised my children.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.