Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 939

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!

I like to isolate if I can avoid myself.

Oh, I hope we get to see a naked stranger.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.

I don't get along with anything, I really don't. I'm just - I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.

If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck.

Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.

I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.