Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 939
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn't exist.
I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Going there is paying your dues. You always have to pay your dues... You've just got to do it. Maybe I come from a working family. Maybe it's the voice of my mom saying, 'You've always got to be nice to people.' I look at it as saying it's going to be fun. Those people are going to be really, really happy.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!