Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 939
We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.
Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.
You might be a redneck if you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'
We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
Because I need you / Like a tick needs a tock / Like bananas need pyjamas / Like a nun needs cock
I don't get along with anything, I really don't. I'm just - I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.