Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 946

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it's pretty equal. I don't know why that is. It's been the same thing for a while. It's hard for female comedians to stand out. That's weird. That's a shame.

“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister”

The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.