Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 946
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
If we did a reunion show we should do it now and show it in 10 years just so everybody still looks good.
'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.
I would have sex with a 17 year old boy. But the only problem is most of them still live at home with their mama. And I am too old to be sneaking into a bitch’s house to have sex with her son on a twin bed. Do you know how hard it is to have sex on a twin bed? To try to keep your balance on a bed with some Star Wars sheets on it?
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.