Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 947
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, "You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone?" Never got a dinner!
She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.
I just brush it off and try to make a joke about it. Over the years it's been interesting.
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
This job has explained to me who I am - I'm not kidding. I always knew I was an actor, but kind of not. I always knew I was a writer, but kind of not. I knew was a producer, but kind of not. It's really a peculiar confluence of skills and experiences that put you in the right position to do this job. But I know now what I am. I'm this. Whatever this is. Now that I know this it's really helped me in my life.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Why are we still embarrassed about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrassed are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"