Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 947
Because I need you / Like a tick needs a tock / Like bananas need pyjamas / Like a nun needs cock
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.
People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house.
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.
I will suffice to say, ‘sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon’
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.
If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.