Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 947
They got this program called Intervention. White people get on planes and boats and buses then go all the way across country to save the one muthafucka in the family who’s on crack. Black people don’t do shit like that. If you’re on crack, that’s your business.
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from being walked on. You have to ride shotgun in their lives and protect them, because normal people, oh ho, easily manipulated. Oh, look over there, now look back. Oh, you so need me.
Why are we still embarrassed about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrassed are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"
But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings.