Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 947
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
I understand porno and I understand getting high, but getting scared? What the fucks's in it for you?
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.
We've taken what was just once a racetrack and made it a multifaceted gaming destination for the entire region.