Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 947
Called somebody an “Indian giver” recently. They were really offended so I had to take it back.
I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.
I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.
A war is going to destroy our economy even further. It's going to be a threefold humanitarian disaster.
Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.