Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 945

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

Slaves built all this shit down here.. Or carried the shit that built it.. (on New Orleans)

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

My age makes all my wrinkles and gray hair make sense.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

I was doing an interview once, and this guy goes, “So you must be pretty psyched about all this ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ stuff?”

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!