Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 945
The AusÂtralian comedy circuit is kind of small, and big in the most inconvenient ways. There aren't many venues, and the ones we have are hundreds of miles apart and separated by mountains. That's probably why so many of us come to the UK
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.
Your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.
People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house.
A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening ear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
[On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy]<br /> I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?