Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 967

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

Your boyfriend worked your vagina like Rocky worked that side of beef for 45 minutes. A little blood is well within reason.

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

I never take enough credit for my failures.

There's a point when you're famous and it's unbearable to go out because you're too famous. And there's a moment when you're famous just right.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.

I know I’m a little bit overweight myself. The other night someone shouted, “No shit!” I thought, “It could be that.”

Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.