Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 967

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

There are packs of baboons running around Africa that take better care of themselves than we do. You know what health insurance is for me? I've got Band-Aids in my car.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

Canoe plus waterfall equals "I don't go camping anymore".

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.