Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 967
I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.
Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.
I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."
I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.
I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.
I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.