Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 967
I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith.
I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.
I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.
Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.