Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 967

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men--an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'

In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

You might be a redneck if the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.