Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 966

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

You might be a redneck if on stag night, you take a real deer.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

Adam, who said to George Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?" Never got a dinner!

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

Behind the counter, another eighteen-year-old kid. Both ears-pierced. Both nostrils-pierced. Both eyebrows fucking pierced! And his tongue is hanging out, you know why his tongue is hanging... cuz he has a six-inch steel stud imbedded in the middle of it! That's just one more thing for your dad to grab a hold of when he's pissed off at you.

I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'

You might be a redneck if you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags".

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.