Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 966
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.
I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called.
I don’t want to get too fat. There’s that fat when you drop something, you’re like, “Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don’t need that. My lip went numb. I don’t need that at all. I’ll get a whole new baby tomorrow.”
We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.
You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.
I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.