Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 966
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
"World War Z" is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.
Adam, who said to George Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?" Never got a dinner!
Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, "body by torture". That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.
50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?
Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.