Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 966
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
Let me tell you something about the porn industry... they're a little short on brains and a little high on coke, but they're scrappy.
So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.'
As a school board we felt it's an unfair expense to families. The lawsuit has a certain logic to it - if you have free public education, you can't put these things on top of it. It defeats the purpose.
My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."
My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!