Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 968

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...

Lots of people fake orgasms but I fake serenity.

Crazy? ... Maybe. But that's a good kind of crazy. It's a guy who knows what he wants.

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

The normal make a living, the deranged make history.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.