Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 968

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it’s just kind of a tired feeling.

My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

Why wouldn't he be, he's the son of God? He's not gonna be walking around going, 'Oh, I've got back fat today. I'm so puffy.'

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

It takes time though for owners and trainers to invest that additional purse money to start cultivating that better racing product.

Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.

You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?

Gay comics have actually gotten popular. Which I think is great. Somebody called be up from Tulsa, Oklahoma and they said “We’re putting a comedy show together and we called you because we need a strong lesbian.” <br /> “You want me to tell jokes or move stuff?”

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?