Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 968

Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!"

I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

You might be a redneck if... you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.

Scientists have estimated that every person on earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.

I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it’s just kind of a tired feeling.

We've taken what was just once a racetrack and made it a multifaceted gaming destination for the entire region.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.