Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 970

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

If you make love - if you're lucky enough to have a partner - let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.

Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh... is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh... and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh... try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

You might be a redneck if you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags".

They go nuts. They flash me their boobs. And that's just the guys.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

If I put forth a legitimate effort, then I feel like, if that doesn't work out, that's all I can do.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.