Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 970
I'm not playing with you. I will blow that black, crusty, dead knarled motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!
I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Christmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called ‘Ample’. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S.
Love is like a lost fart… if you have to force it, then it’s probably shit.
I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."
Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.
I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.
This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.
Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.
The simple combination of letters and sounds you select as a name for your baby can result in a life of carefree coolness or decades of expensive therapy. "Hi, I'm Jake" versus "Hi, I'm... Tapioca"
If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.