Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 970
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
This girl asked me out one time. She told me she was an actress in porno movies. I’m like, “Alright, when do you want to go out?”<br /> She goes, “I’m working Tuesday and Wednesday. How about Thursday?”<br /> “Uh, how about Monday?”
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
These times are much franker. For example, in the first movie we have to assume that the daughter and the son-in-law who got married were lovers before they got married. That could never have been in the '50s.
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
If I put forth a legitimate effort, then I feel like, if that doesn't work out, that's all I can do.
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Why are we still embarrassed about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrassed are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"
Life, is easy. And if someone is ripping your ass, maybe they're just trying to push you. To the peak of your ability. Until, one day, you reach a level that even you didn't think you were capable of. Stick around those people. 'cos, sometimes, when you think someone's screwing you, they're helping you. And then sometimes, they're just screwing you. Little bastard.
I think the hard thing about stand-up - I mean, I think this part is great - but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause - 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..."