Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 971
I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.
Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
I think the hard thing about stand-up - I mean, I think this part is great - but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause - 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..."
You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Economists predict that this year's federal surplus will be $120 billion less than predicted in January. The missing $120 billion was reportedly last seen on a date with Congressman Gary Condit.
But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.
The first person I learned I could make happy with laughter was my mother, whom I idolize. It was a powerful thing to realize. I knew I had found my life's work.
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.