Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 971

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.

We've taken what was just once a racetrack and made it a multifaceted gaming destination for the entire region.

Has anyone ever tested your makeup for lead?

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

I know I’m a little bit overweight myself. The other night someone shouted, “No shit!” I thought, “It could be that.”

'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.

Never floss with a stranger.

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I don’t want to get too fat. There’s that fat when you drop something, you’re like, “Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don’t need that. My lip went numb. I don’t need that at all. I’ll get a whole new baby tomorrow.”

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.