Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 971
Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, "body by torture". That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!
An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples...it was a trick pie!
When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.
I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.