Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 971

While I am venting hey oil companies why does gas cost different in different parts of the country. It's the same freaking gas.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it’s just kind of a tired feeling.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.

I know I’m a little bit overweight myself. The other night someone shouted, “No shit!” I thought, “It could be that.”

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

It takes time though for owners and trainers to invest that additional purse money to start cultivating that better racing product.

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.