Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 971

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.