Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 969
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.
Adam, who said to George Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?" Never got a dinner!
You might be a redneck if you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
If you make love - if you're lucky enough to have a partner - let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!
I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.