Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 969

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

You might be a redneck if the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

New management came in and they cleaned everybody out so we hit the skids. We lived in a van, so I kind of know what happens to people when this happens.

Scientists have estimated that every person on earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.

Hey ringworm.

There's a point when you're famous and it's unbearable to go out because you're too famous. And there's a moment when you're famous just right.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.