Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 969
I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.
Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
My mom had gossip dyslexia... she'd gossip in front of people's backs.
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.
It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
Adam, who said to George Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?" Never got a dinner!