Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 969

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I've been using money.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.