Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 983

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.