Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 983

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

I spend most of my free time under the house.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.

My career has been my craziest adventure.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.

Do you think that during the Dust Bowl in the 1930's in the Midwest people thought "Wow, this must be global warming" or did they just think "Fuck, it hasn't rained in a while."

[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.