Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 983

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.

God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!

I'm competitive at everything.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

The only person I can barely compromise with is myself.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.