Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 984
I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.
Sex is scary cause you can die but worse than that, you could feel.
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.
In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
You might be a redneck if you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.
Mr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Money, Mate. He played around with the title for a while: We're All Fucking Monkeys; You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate; Get Out of My Face, You Fucking Monkey. And he ended up with On The Origin of Species.
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: 'I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing.'