Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 982
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Do you think that during the Dust Bowl in the 1930's in the Midwest people thought "Wow, this must be global warming" or did they just think "Fuck, it hasn't rained in a while."
And then I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are white people just psyched all the time?” It’s, like, “‘Back to the Future’! That’s us! ‘Godfather’! That’s us! ‘Godfather Part II’! That’s us! ‘Departed’! That’s us! ‘Sunset Boulevard’! That’s us! ‘Citizen Kane’! That’s us! ‘Jaws’! That’s us! Every fucking movie but ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and ‘Boyz n the Hood’ is us! We are white people! Suck our dicks!”
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
“They had to ask Spain I think, they’ve had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it’s Gordon Brown phoning up going ‘pass the salt’”
The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.