Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 982

Norm is such a horrible gambler, he bet Jon Lovitz would be funny tonight.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, "You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone?" Never got a dinner!

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”

I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from being walked on. You have to ride shotgun in their lives and protect them, because normal people, oh ho, easily manipulated. Oh, look over there, now look back. Oh, you so need me.

Raised by two mothers... wow, most of us barely survive one.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'

I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn't exist.