Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 982

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

I wrote a novel this year called "Shop Girl", and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, "If you think you`re going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending... that`s going to cost you."

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.