Quotes & Jokes by Alan King


A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It'a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.

The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

Once they make their commitment, they have to stay with that commitment, ... They have to live with that decision.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

It was nice to see Chocolate outriding the Flat jockey.

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

A river in Cleveland caught fire… what did they put it out with?

Jesus saves, Moses invests.