Quotes and Jokes by Alan King

Alan King was an American actor and comedian known for his biting wit and often angry humorous rants. King became well known as a Jewish comedian and satirist. He was also a serious actor who appeared in a number of movies and television shows. King wrote several books, produced films, and appeared in plays.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 19)


A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"


Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.


If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.


Modesty is not one of my virtues.


Jesus saves, Moses invests.


It was nice to see Chocolate outriding the Flat jockey.


I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.


The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.


I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.


Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?


I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.


A river in Cleveland caught fire… what did they put it out with?


Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?


If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?


Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It'a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.