Quotes & Jokes by Alan King

20 quotes

A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"

Once they make their commitment, they have to stay with that commitment, ... They have to live with that decision.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.

I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.

As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Jesus saves, Moses invests.

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It'a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

It was nice to see Chocolate outriding the Flat jockey.

If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?