Quotes & Jokes by Alan King


A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"

The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.

As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It'a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Once they make their commitment, they have to stay with that commitment, ... They have to live with that decision.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

Jesus saves, Moses invests.

Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

It was nice to see Chocolate outriding the Flat jockey.