Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 4
I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.
I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.
My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.