Quotes & Jokes by Artie Lange / page 2

58 quotes

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. There's that story about how Eric Clapton saw Jimi Hendrix play, and he supposedly went home and cried because he could never be that good. I would never do anything that fruity, but I can relate to that. I wish I was as great as other guys, and that sucks. So I get the blues, and I self-medicate.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

I had a job that people in this business would absolutely kill for on the sitcom I was on, I was working with one of my best friends. Laurie Metcalf was in the cast, really talented people on the Warner Brothers lot in LA. I was a supporting character making 35 grand a week, some weeks I'd have two lines. I had a job making 35 grand a week where I didn't have to take anything to work; I didn't have a briefcase or a piece of paper. I had ridiculously lame, easy jokes to memorize; like the jokes on that show would be I'd go to Norm MacDonald and say 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' and he'd say 'No, I'm not thinking of cheeseburgers,' then I'd make a face like 'oh, you got me' and then I'd walk out and then I'd get 35 grand on a Friday. So I had a convertible Mercedes, I was living in a four-thousand dollar a month condo on Willshire and Beverly Hills, I was healthy, I was thin, I had a tan. Even with that life, creatively I was empty inside, I couldn't stand it, after two years I had to get out of there, I was going crazy pulling the hairs out of my head.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

When you're on that ecstasy shit, this sounds like "Hey Jude".

You're so stupid... Yet your live.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went "wait, don't curse".

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.