Quotes & Jokes by Artie Lange

58 quotes

When I was a kid, I was into The New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't fuck you, but the Jets will always fuck you.

I was in five movies that got a total of four stars from The Daily News. And the reviews of "Beer League" were nothing compared to "Dirty Work." The review in my home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that I "had all the charm of a date rapist." I felt really bad about that, then Norm MacDonald; he's trying to cheer me up, being totally serious; says "well, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist!"

Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".

I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

I'm 30 sit-ups away from the body of a young Mark Hamill.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.