Quotes & Jokes by Artie Lange

58 quotes

When I was a kid, I was into The New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't fuck you, but the Jets will always fuck you.

I was in five movies that got a total of four stars from The Daily News. And the reviews of "Beer League" were nothing compared to "Dirty Work." The review in my home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that I "had all the charm of a date rapist." I felt really bad about that, then Norm MacDonald; he's trying to cheer me up, being totally serious; says "well, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist!"

Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

I'm 30 sit-ups away from the body of a young Mark Hamill.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don’t realize this, he’s a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he’d ground out to second for him.

Don't let Karen touch the sauce!