Quotes & Jokes by Bill Cosby / page 4


I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

My father walked to school, 4'oclock every morning. With no shoes on. Up a hill, both ways in 5 feet of snow, and he was thankful.

When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do.

Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

I wanted to give the house back to the parents.